Songs That Made Everything After Them Worse

This is not a ranking of the worst songs of all time- that list probably consists of a baby singing lyrics of its own invention while pounding the table, and a Creed-ripoff garage band who thinks they’re the greatest thing ever- in short, few people have heard the actual worst songs ever.  No, this is a list of songs that may or may not themselves be bad (though most of them are) but which introduced trends into the world of popular music that negatively affected music after their success.

11. Cher, “Believe”

“Hey, so Cher wants to do this dance-pop song. Thing is, she can’t sing anymore. How can I break this to her?”

“Good news, you don’t have to.  We can use this vocal effect that’ll make her sound like a robot!”

Yes, Cher’s “Believe” was the first pop song to use significant amounts of Auto-Tune, making her robotic but on-pitch, a formula that has been copied by every wannabe pop star since, even the ones that can sing.*

*You’re not absolved from blame for this, T-Pain.

22.  Michael Jackson, “Thriller”

Uh oh, looks like I'm in dangerous territory here. Let me be clear: this is not a bad song; on the contrary, it’s good.  But after the enormously successful album Thriller, every pop star decided that they wanted to do this too, and pop music post-Thriller began a downward spiral from which it has never recovered.  Remember: before the ‘80s, popular music and good music was mostly the same music. After Thriller and MTV this changed. Case in point: The bestselling albums before Thriller: AC/DC’s Back in Black; Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon; Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell*; the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack; Led Zeppelin IV, and The Beatles’ Abbey Road and Sgt. Pepper’s.  After Thriller: Shania Twain’s Come on Over, The Bodyguard soundtrack, Michael Jackson’s Bad, Celine Dion’s Falling into You; Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill, and Britney Spears’ …Baby One More Time.** Need I say more?

*The exception.

** List courtesy of Wikipedia, which is always right: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best_selling_albums#Best-selling_albums_by_country

33. Van Halen, “Jump”

When Eddie Van Halen ditched his guitar for a synth in “Jump,” bad synth-based ‘80s metal was born.  Including Van Halen’s own forgettable work with Sammy Hagar.

44. Stone Temple Pilots, “Plush”

The thing about Pearl Jam ripoffs is that none of them can get it right.  They think growling, deep voices, muddy production and guitar solos is the recipe, but the thing STP and all the other ‘90s Pearl Jam ripoffs were missing is that sense of fun that Pearl Jam has always had.  STP sold millions upon millions of copies of Core, though, making this a formula worth exploiting, and the exploiters got worse and worse as time went on: Bush, Creed, Staind, Nickelback… not exactly capturing the spirit of Pearl Jam, but starting a chain reaction of bad rock music following the “grunge”* era from which mainstream rock has never fully recovered.

*Side note: “Grunge” is not actually a thing. Listen to Soundgarden, Nirvana, Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam back to back: they sound nothing alike, they’re just from the same city.

55. Green Day, “When I Come Around”

The song that helped transform the idea of punk music from rebellion and anarchy to “It’s so cool to be immature! Power chords!”

66. New Kids on the Block, “Step by Step”

The success of this group was what led to the late '90s explosion of boy bands, Max Martin-penned tracks*, and everything on the radio sounding the same.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Martin_production_discography

77.  Korn, “Freak on a Leash”

To be honest, I don’t know much about the song itself- Korn has always made my ears hurt- but I do know that it kick-started the “nu metal” era of the early 2000s, one of the main reasons rock radio is no longer something people listen to.  Thanks a bunch, Korn.

88. Whatever Dubstep Song Was Popular First

Whatever this song is, it’s its fault that pop music all has dance/dubstep beats now. And that my neighbors are constantly blaring dubstep music which I can hear through the walls. Thanks, song. Whatever you are.